Narcissists, or people suffering from Narcissistic Personality
Disorder, are individuals, who because of childhood trauma, develop
a deep feeling of shame and permanently low self-esteem.
Unable to bear the feeling of worthlessness, they unknowingly suppress their true self and replace it with a false self. A captivating persona that thrives on the admiration and attention of others.
Their entire life revolves around themselves and the constant refueling of the emptying well of self-worth.
Even the most well-meaning criticism breaks them, because of their already dwindling self-esteem.
Since they cannot take any more hits against themselves, they direct all blame outwards, to everyone around them.
They can never love anyone selflessly. But they may think that they love someone as long as that person consistently makes them feel good about themselves.
Narcissists naturally gravitate towards Empaths and Codependents, as both types are designed to please and shower attention on those around them.
Primary ways to identify a Narcissist
1. Feign indifference to them.
Since they thrive off attention, both good as well as bad, soon they'd be resorting to more and more drastic tactics to elicit a reaction out of you.
2. Check for word salad.
Notice if any attempt from you to have a reasonable conversation on accountability with the Narcissist leads to an increasingly frustrating and cyclic conversation with no satisfactory conclusion.
3. Don’t give them what they want.
Used to feeling entitled and superior, the Narcissist does not handle rejection well.
4. See how they react to soft criticism.
Even the gentlest of feedback would feel akin to a wound to a Narcissist and they tend to react in an extreme manner. Also known as Narcissistic Injury.
6. See if they stick to their promises.
You are NOT important to the Narcissist and though they may promise you the world, look for a history of excuses to deflect from actually following through on their word.
7. Notice if they blame you for everything.
The Narcissist lives in a universe of their own making, where they are the central player and a victim of the misdoings of others. It's NEVER their fault. Also known as the Victim mentality.
8. Watch out for the Idealize, Devalue, Discard cycle.
You know you're dealing with a Narcissist if your relation began with them putting you on a Pedestal and showering you with excessive attention and affection (Also known as Love Bombing), followed by a steep fall to reality where the criticism, insults and gaslighting begins and escalates, and lastly by leaving you like a black mark on a dark day.
You will notice that this cycle tends to repeat till you're completely consumed in the vampiric vortex.
9. Watch out for Triangulation.
Narcissists thrive on attention. They seek and craft situations where two people are competing for their attention. Sometimes for affection, and sometimes in the form of The Drama Triangle. (Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim)
Ten questions to assess and identify someone as a Narcissist
1. Ask them about incidents where they are aware that they had been completely at fault. 100% fault. Without deflecting responsibility.
It is impossible for a Narcissist to take accountability for any unfortunate happening in their life. So you'd probably find a lot of deflection in their response.
2. Ask them which areas of their life they think they aren’t good in and need to improve in.
A fragile self-worth does not allow them to even consider the likelihood that there is anything amiss in their 'perfect' personality.
3. Ask them about memories of incidents they have felt real remorse for. And wished to have done things differently.
Functioning from the frame of Victim Mentality, their life is a series of occurrences where they are the noble recipient of the 'wicked' behavior of others.
4. What mistakes have you made in the past and what about yourself would you change now to be a better person?
The Narcissist would answer in a way that would portray them in a positive light. For example, they might say that they have been too kind, and thus got taken advantage of.
5. What qualities and abilities do you think the questioner embodies better than you? Ask for other people in their life.
The Narcissist would have a visibly difficult time acknowledging that you or anyone they know is better at anything.
6. Ask them about the times they felt distraught about someone else’s suffering.
Narcissists do not feel empathy. They can never truly feel the sadness of someone else.
7. Ask them about the people they idolize for the good qualities that they don’t have.
Being the central figure in the universe of their creation, there cannot be anyone who embodies good character traits better than they do.
8. Ask them about genuine flaws that they have that are affecting all their relationships.
Functioning entirely from their false self, they do not consider themselves at fault and would blame the other for each and every thing that went wrong in their past and present relationships.
9. Ask them about incidents where they did something for the happiness of someone else. With absolutely no self-centric reason.
Since it may be difficult for them to ever think about anyone but themselves, there might not be any such incident.
10. If you are their significant other, ask them why they love you.
Their reasons would be quite self-serving. Because a Narcissist cannot love you for what's unique about you, their answer would be centered around how you make them feel about themselves.
*Please take note that a person afflicted with NPD would not respond in a straightforward manner to such questions and you'd have to be quite discreet.
Though ideally, we can try to understand a Narcissist, and even try to be compassionate, they can never recover. As their real self is buried deep within, and their superficial personality, a carefully crafted illusion.
Unable to bear the feeling of worthlessness, they unknowingly suppress their true self and replace it with a false self. A captivating persona that thrives on the admiration and attention of others.
Their entire life revolves around themselves and the constant refueling of the emptying well of self-worth.
Even the most well-meaning criticism breaks them, because of their already dwindling self-esteem.
Since they cannot take any more hits against themselves, they direct all blame outwards, to everyone around them.
They can never love anyone selflessly. But they may think that they love someone as long as that person consistently makes them feel good about themselves.
Narcissists naturally gravitate towards Empaths and Codependents, as both types are designed to please and shower attention on those around them.
Primary ways to identify a Narcissist
1. Feign indifference to them.
Since they thrive off attention, both good as well as bad, soon they'd be resorting to more and more drastic tactics to elicit a reaction out of you.
2. Check for word salad.
Notice if any attempt from you to have a reasonable conversation on accountability with the Narcissist leads to an increasingly frustrating and cyclic conversation with no satisfactory conclusion.
3. Don’t give them what they want.
Used to feeling entitled and superior, the Narcissist does not handle rejection well.
4. See how they react to soft criticism.
Even the gentlest of feedback would feel akin to a wound to a Narcissist and they tend to react in an extreme manner. Also known as Narcissistic Injury.
5. Notice if they empathize as needed. Observe the tendency to divert all conversations back to themselves.
Having created an illusionary world where they are the center of all attention, Narcissists find it extremely challenging to allow the focus to shift to anyone else.6. See if they stick to their promises.
You are NOT important to the Narcissist and though they may promise you the world, look for a history of excuses to deflect from actually following through on their word.
7. Notice if they blame you for everything.
The Narcissist lives in a universe of their own making, where they are the central player and a victim of the misdoings of others. It's NEVER their fault. Also known as the Victim mentality.
8. Watch out for the Idealize, Devalue, Discard cycle.
You know you're dealing with a Narcissist if your relation began with them putting you on a Pedestal and showering you with excessive attention and affection (Also known as Love Bombing), followed by a steep fall to reality where the criticism, insults and gaslighting begins and escalates, and lastly by leaving you like a black mark on a dark day.
You will notice that this cycle tends to repeat till you're completely consumed in the vampiric vortex.
9. Watch out for Triangulation.
Narcissists thrive on attention. They seek and craft situations where two people are competing for their attention. Sometimes for affection, and sometimes in the form of The Drama Triangle. (Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim)
Ten questions to assess and identify someone as a Narcissist
1. Ask them about incidents where they are aware that they had been completely at fault. 100% fault. Without deflecting responsibility.
It is impossible for a Narcissist to take accountability for any unfortunate happening in their life. So you'd probably find a lot of deflection in their response.
2. Ask them which areas of their life they think they aren’t good in and need to improve in.
A fragile self-worth does not allow them to even consider the likelihood that there is anything amiss in their 'perfect' personality.
3. Ask them about memories of incidents they have felt real remorse for. And wished to have done things differently.
Functioning from the frame of Victim Mentality, their life is a series of occurrences where they are the noble recipient of the 'wicked' behavior of others.
4. What mistakes have you made in the past and what about yourself would you change now to be a better person?
The Narcissist would answer in a way that would portray them in a positive light. For example, they might say that they have been too kind, and thus got taken advantage of.
5. What qualities and abilities do you think the questioner embodies better than you? Ask for other people in their life.
The Narcissist would have a visibly difficult time acknowledging that you or anyone they know is better at anything.
6. Ask them about the times they felt distraught about someone else’s suffering.
Narcissists do not feel empathy. They can never truly feel the sadness of someone else.
7. Ask them about the people they idolize for the good qualities that they don’t have.
Being the central figure in the universe of their creation, there cannot be anyone who embodies good character traits better than they do.
8. Ask them about genuine flaws that they have that are affecting all their relationships.
Functioning entirely from their false self, they do not consider themselves at fault and would blame the other for each and every thing that went wrong in their past and present relationships.
9. Ask them about incidents where they did something for the happiness of someone else. With absolutely no self-centric reason.
Since it may be difficult for them to ever think about anyone but themselves, there might not be any such incident.
10. If you are their significant other, ask them why they love you.
Their reasons would be quite self-serving. Because a Narcissist cannot love you for what's unique about you, their answer would be centered around how you make them feel about themselves.
*Please take note that a person afflicted with NPD would not respond in a straightforward manner to such questions and you'd have to be quite discreet.
Though ideally, we can try to understand a Narcissist, and even try to be compassionate, they can never recover. As their real self is buried deep within, and their superficial personality, a carefully crafted illusion.